In September 07, Adam and I made the decision to go off of birth control. We weren't going to necessarily try to get pregnant, but if it happened, we would be estactic. A few months went by, a few months where I knew we should have gotten pregnant but didn't. Some red flags started waving in my mind, but since we were in the "whatever happens happens" phase, I wasn't too worried. Ahhh...the innocence and naivete- how I miss it. In March 08, I found out we were pregnant. Adam was still away in Mexico, so I kept it to myself. That was one of the hardest secrets to keep! Finally, it was time to pick him up from the airport and I had bought a Flyers onesie to surprise him with. We were so excited. We went out for dinner (to Chili's, yes because my husband didn't have enough Mexican food while he was in Mexico) and talked about names, which room would make a better nursery, how the due date was a perfect swimming birthday (December 10). We were on cloud 9. I ordered the book "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthey from Amazon and couldn't wait to read it.
Our excitement was shortlived though. One week later, I woke up with heavy, heavy bleeding and cramps. I went into a panic as I didn't know what to do. Adam was already at work, it was too late to call for a substitute, I didn't have lesson plans written for the day (bad teacher, I know), I hadn't even contacted an OB yet. Adam and I made the decision to go to the ER. They drew blood and were planning on doing an ultra sound to check on the baby. My HcG levels (pregnancy hormone) came back at <5, which means you're not pregnant. The physicians assistant asked if I had taken a home pregnancy test- well yes dummy! Five in fact, I told him. His response was "Oh well, they must all have been duds." WTH!? If you know anything about home pregnancy tests, the chances of getting a false positive is extremely, extremely low. And for me to get five false positives? Damn near impossible. So Adam and I walked out of the ER, hand in hand, hopes dashed.
Since we were told that we had never been pregnant in the first place, we weren't given any restrictions on trying again. Some doctors like for you to wait 3 months just to make sure your body has healed itself after the miscarriage. Getting pregnant once (and yes, I do truly believe that we had been pregnant regardless of what the physicians assistant said) made us realize how badly we wanted to start our family. Thus began the world of basal body thermometers, ovulation predictor kits, fertility monitors, vitamins, and natural remedies to help you get pregnant. If you have read advice on trying to get pregnant, we're probably tried it. As I started charting my cycles, I realized that something was wrong. I wasn't ovulating at all- major hurdle if you're trying to get pregnant. I called my gynecologist during the summer to express my concern. I was told it can take up to 3-4 months for your body to regulate after a miscarriage and to give it a few more months. Finally, in August, late in my cycle, I ovulated. I was esctatic and thought everything was back on track. Again, innocence and naivete. I didn't ovulate again in September and at that point, my gynecologist's office was willing to see me. The gynecologist ordered cycle day 21 bloodwork, which indicates if you've ovulated or not. Adam and I took a weekend trip to NYC in hopes of just relaxing, forgetting about it, and it'll happen. After the trip, it was time for the bloodwork. My progesterone levels came back at a 2, which indicates anovulation (no ovulation). Doctors like to see progesterone levels of 10-25 to indicate ovulation. I was referred to the reproductive endronologist's office at Penn State based on the results of my bloodwork. I had my first appointment in November. I was a little put off by the doctor, but knew many people who liked Penn State and were happy with them, so I decided to give them another shot. The doctor (RE) ordered another cycle day 21 bloodwork. This time my progesterone levels came back at 10.7, so the doctor assumed I had been ovulating perfectly fine since the miscarriage (should have been the red flag in my mind). He ordered an HSG, which is an xray of your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure they are not blocked. Girls, think of your yearly pap smear and in addition, a catheter is placed in your cervix and dye is injected into your uterus and pushed up your fallopian tubes. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds. I took several doses of extra strength tylenol and still experienced pretty severe cramping. The results came back somewhat normal. My tubes are clear, but I seem to have some adhesions on my left tube. They're not severe enough to be concerned about.
This takes us to the month of December- by far one of the worst months of my life thus far. The due date from the miscarriage was December 10, which was the day I had to have the HSG done. Talk about horrible timing. Then December 12 is the anniversary of the day my dad died, which is always a rough day in and of itself. In addition, I had gotten a new autistic student in school who had pretty severe emotional support issues. That same week, he had screamed and cursed at me, and pushed his TSS. He ended up in Philhaven and was placed in our emotional support room when he got back, but it just made already rough week even worse. That weekend, Adam and I had a Christmas party. I had needed something to concentrate on, something to focus on and get into the holiday spirit. After the awful week I had, I decided that wine would be my choice of drink for the evening. Those that know me well, know that wine and I don't mix too well. I got incredibly drunk that night (thankfully I didn't get sick), and I'm sure I offended some with how drunk I did get. But I needed it. I was so glad when the holidays were over. All I could think about what how we were supposed to have a newborn to celebrate with.
Right before Christmas, we had our follow up appointment with the RE to discuss the results of the HSG. The RE decided that we didn't need anymore testing and gave us a diagnosis of unexplained infertility- basically that everything looks textbook perfect, but we're just not getting pregnant. He went over the treatment options with us; there were four. 1. do nothing 2. clomid (an ovulation inducing drug) with an interuterine insemination 3. injectibles (injections that I would have to give myself that induce ovulation) with interuterine insemination 4. in vitro fertilization. All 3 options are fairly invasive and expensive. Our insurance has covered all of our testing, but once we move onto treatment, its all on us. At minimum, we're looking at $3,000-$4,000 per cycle. A huge financial strain. The RE's recommendation was to do nothing. He told us that we're young and we have plenty of time. Ok, definitely not the thing to say to a couple that have been trying for over a year, had a miscarriage, and just spent money for doctor's appointments and testing. We were not pleased and made the decision to leave the office and find a new doctor.
So now we were left feeling hopeless and incredibly discouraged. We decided to plan for an IUI with injectibles procedure which meant saving as much money as we could. I found a new doctor and scheduled an appointment. It wasn't for two months though, so we were left to try naturally for another two cycles. In the meantime, we've been saving, and trying to exercise. In the aftermath of the miscarriage and my anovulatory cycles, I gained 20 pounds quickly (no I wasn't just eating fast food all the time). Anovulation can affect women different, but one of the side effects is quick weight gain. I've lost 5 pounds now that my cycles have gone back to normal, but its been a struggle to lose the rest.
During the two months that we were forced to try naturally, my cycles began to go back to the normal 28 days that they used to be before the miscarriage. In fact, I seem to be in the middle of a perfect cycle- ovulation on cycle day 14. Of course this happened two days before our appointment with the new RE. It lead to a lot of confusion of what we happened to do and where we wanted to head with treatment. We met with the new RE and were pleased. He seemed more understanding and sympathetic to our case than the previous RE and willing to help us. Added bonus, he also graduated from LVC- you don't hear of too many doctors from LVC! He ordered cycle day 21 bloodwork- a tie breaker he called it since I had one good result and one bad result from the previous bloodwork. If my progesterone levels come back low, then he'll prescribe clomid. If they come back normal, he wants us to try for 3 more months since I just had the HSG done. Some doctors believe that the HSG can improve your fertility for up to 6 months afterwards since the dye clears out any blockage that may have been in your tubes.
This where we currently are in our journey. I go for my bloodwork tomorrow and I find out the results on Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm hoping for either a really low number so I can start clomid or a high number which is indicative of pregnancy. My hopes are incredibly high for this cycle. So high that I have been irrationally hormonal for the past few days. I'm not sure how much more of this journey I can take. Then again I look back, amazed at how long its been and see that we have survived thus far. We may not know when the end of the road is coming, but it will come eventually. All I'm asking now is for your support through our journey.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I would die for that...
Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant despite having frequent, unprotected sex for at least a year. 85% of couples who have unprotected sex will get pregnant within a year. But for those other 15%, thus begins the journey into the world of infertility.
You hear about it, you hear about someone who battled infertility, but you never imagine that it will be you who will be faced with the journey. Growing up, you hear- unprotected sex= baby. If only it were that easy. Adam and I have begun that journey. It's been 18 months now with no end in sight. Just an endless roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. Your life is lived in two weeks intervals, mixed with hope, faith, excitement, anger, frustration, disappointment, name it and I've felt it. The worst part is that you don't know when the roller coaster ride will end. When you're trying to get pregnant, you seem to suddenly be surrounded by pregnant people. I know of too many pregnant women to count of two hands. You hear of ultra sounds and heartbeats, baby kicks, and setting up the nursery. Conversations are dominated by talk of children and babies. You smile, nod, laugh, but can't add to the conversation, except from the viewpoint of an outsider, someone who doesn't know what its truly like to have kids or experience pregnancy.
Couples battling infertility typically take two routes in terms of sharing and discussing their infertility. Some keep it a secret and don't tell anyone- others tell everyone. We chose to stay quiet for over a year now, pretending that we were planning for babies in the future, not now when asked when we were having kids. I've spent many days and nights crying in bed wondering what was wrong with me and why we weren't pregnant yet. We (well mainly I) have pushed myself away from friends because of it. We thought long and hard about sharing our journey- what if people judge for our choices, what if people have catty remarks about my body's inability to reproduce? Finally, we decided that the support we know our loved ones will give us will outweigh any negatively that may come.
Why would I chose to share such personal information in such a public way? Well, we're about to begin infertility treatments and we decided we wanted the support of our closest friends and family and this is the quickest and easiest way to do so without repeating everything over and over again. The last two are selfish and self-centered (an unfortunate side effect of infertility)- 1. I'm hoping that out there someone else that we know has battled infertility. It helps to know others who are experiencing it or who have overcome it. 2. We need all the thoughts and prayers that we can get as we move into the world of infertility treatments. We trust that those we've chosen to share our infertility battle with will support us through us. We're reaching out and hope that you'll be there to catch us.
Last, I share with you the lyrics from the song "I Would Die for That." It puts into words the emotions of infertility better than I ever could.
Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.
I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
You hear about it, you hear about someone who battled infertility, but you never imagine that it will be you who will be faced with the journey. Growing up, you hear- unprotected sex= baby. If only it were that easy. Adam and I have begun that journey. It's been 18 months now with no end in sight. Just an endless roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. Your life is lived in two weeks intervals, mixed with hope, faith, excitement, anger, frustration, disappointment, name it and I've felt it. The worst part is that you don't know when the roller coaster ride will end. When you're trying to get pregnant, you seem to suddenly be surrounded by pregnant people. I know of too many pregnant women to count of two hands. You hear of ultra sounds and heartbeats, baby kicks, and setting up the nursery. Conversations are dominated by talk of children and babies. You smile, nod, laugh, but can't add to the conversation, except from the viewpoint of an outsider, someone who doesn't know what its truly like to have kids or experience pregnancy.
Couples battling infertility typically take two routes in terms of sharing and discussing their infertility. Some keep it a secret and don't tell anyone- others tell everyone. We chose to stay quiet for over a year now, pretending that we were planning for babies in the future, not now when asked when we were having kids. I've spent many days and nights crying in bed wondering what was wrong with me and why we weren't pregnant yet. We (well mainly I) have pushed myself away from friends because of it. We thought long and hard about sharing our journey- what if people judge for our choices, what if people have catty remarks about my body's inability to reproduce? Finally, we decided that the support we know our loved ones will give us will outweigh any negatively that may come.
Why would I chose to share such personal information in such a public way? Well, we're about to begin infertility treatments and we decided we wanted the support of our closest friends and family and this is the quickest and easiest way to do so without repeating everything over and over again. The last two are selfish and self-centered (an unfortunate side effect of infertility)- 1. I'm hoping that out there someone else that we know has battled infertility. It helps to know others who are experiencing it or who have overcome it. 2. We need all the thoughts and prayers that we can get as we move into the world of infertility treatments. We trust that those we've chosen to share our infertility battle with will support us through us. We're reaching out and hope that you'll be there to catch us.
Last, I share with you the lyrics from the song "I Would Die for That." It puts into words the emotions of infertility better than I ever could.
Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.
I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
